I love writing – putting my thoughts into black letters. But the idea of keeping up a blog seems so daunting to me. Sometimes I get in the mood to write, so I make one blog post, and then about a year later I delete it and start over. So here I am again, deleting whatever I wrote previously, and starting anew.
I know this is probably connected to some deep rooted issue that I don’t finish what I start. I love to put dirty clothes into the laundry, but when the dryer alarm goes off, I have to drag myself into the laundry room to actually put the clothes away. I have to confess that more than a few times, the clothes have sat in the dryer for days. I also love starting new journals, or a new ledger for work. Something about pressing my pen against a never-pen-pressed page is so exhilarating. I love trying my best to write as nicely as possible so as not to taint the journal. In those early stages, if I make a typographical error, I hate crossing out, so I just tear out the page and start over. But a few weeks later, I’m scribbling my notes or writing random reminder in it, doodling in it, and pulling off edges of pages to spit my gum out. I can’t wait to start a new one.
So what does that say about me? I have no idea, but I’m going to go ahead and start this blog post anyway.
I’m 18 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. It’s so exciting to feel the baby kicking (or what I think is kicking), and I wish Beland could feel it. This morning we tried putting his hand on my belly, but he couldn’t feel a thing. But every time the baby kicked, I’d get so excited and make a gasping noise. I think Beland was jealous that we were having a little party without him. I can’t wait for him to feel it too.
My appointment with the Perinatologist is in two weeks, and that’s when we should find out the sex of our little marshmallow. Beland named him/her “Marshmallow” because that’s what he/she looked like in the ultrasound, just a marshmallow blob.
We are so excited to be parents, but I feel scared at the same time. Scared of myself. In the last week, I have found myself complaining about work, not going to God’s Word with joy, feeling sorry for myself, willfully sinning against the Lord. I see so much of my own sin and don’t want our child to become like me. Even apart from sin, this week at work, I had to subtract several large numbers. After trying to do it on paper, I thought I’d just check my work with a calculator. I’m ashamed to say that I was way off! How did this girl graduate from college? How am I going to teach my child to subtract if I can’t even do it??
I’m sure I’ll be struggling with these thoughts for decades to come, but I really want to spend the next five months to prepare my heart before the baby arrives. I’ve been reading How To Worship Jesus Christ by Joseph Caroll – the first few chapters of this book have been some of my favorites since I first read it a couple years ago. It has been a challenge to me that I need to learn what it is to truly worship my Savior – to cast down my “crowns” before Him. I pray that God would help both Beland and I to be true worshipers of Jesus, and to be godly and loving parents.